Insides vs Outsides

Self-esteem.

We all suffer from a lack of it sometimes. And I've noticed that when I do, it usually stems from having been sitting in front of a computer screen, plugged into the lives and thoughts of everybody else out there.

Although we call it self-esteem, it actually seems to have a lot more about how we feel about everybody else than how we feel about ourselves.

Or rather, it has to do with how we feel in relationship to others. Which are after all the only way that we really do exist.

The very notion of self-esteem serves to lay the blame squarely at our feet. I'm not good enough. Or rather, I'm not good enough to feel good about myself"

Typical of a society that places so much emphasis on the individual, self-bounded and distinct from others. But not so helpful from an emotional point of view.

Because the best way to change our self-esteem, is probably not to think about changing ourselves but to think about changing the way that we relate to others.

Technology has made it easier than ever for us to form social connections. But it's also disembodied the way that we relate, reducing it to pictures or words on a screen and removing any depth of emotion or empathy.

We socialise whilst sitting alone, stuck in our own feelings, taking in the lives of others as they choose to project them.

Unlike a real face-to-face connection, this way of relating is one sided. It's our very real feelings, complete with vulnerabilities and emotional needs vs everybody else's holiday photos and witty status updates. Our insides vs everybody else's outsides.

No wonder it's bad for our self-esteem.

PS - the insides vs outsides thing I picked up from a brilliant Oliver Burkeman talk from the RSA about how we can all become (slightly) happier. Definitely worth a listen!